求有经验的烤鸭或专家点评一下我刚写的雅思作文，有关国有企业是否该私有化？

Question

最好能够给个分，还有帮我能把错误挑出以及句式问题，谢谢了，好的话会加高悬赏分的。
Currently, the World Bank published a report concerning about the future of China ,which draws attention to the debated issue is whether enterprises should be totally privatized or not .
The most popular reason to argue the state-owned enterprises is that the effeciency of it is so low that may disturb the market function ,which is a typical opinion derived from classical free enterprises market economy .In terms of the competitive state-owned enterprises who are selected from the intense market if it shows the emergency of the low efficiency ,it will sooner or later die out .In addition ,efficiency will be enhanced if the welfare state-owned enterprise be carried out by the private enterprises ?For instance ,the contrast between the medical treatment of Europe and America can explicitly tell that per capita expense in the form of private system in USA can be amounted to seven or eight thousand dollars ,which is nearly four times the number in Britain who is covered by public medical system .
Admittedly ,the disadvantage of the state-owned enterprises can not be denyed .The reason can be said that it discourage the innovation of people .Obviously ,breakthrough is required to break the old pattern in order to attain more flexibility .Even so transformation and creative thinking are both eagerly demanded ,it is go to extremes if the private enterprise substitute the state-owned enterprises become the popular trend .Certainly ,effectiveness and efficiency of the operation can not be decided by the owner but be determined by the intensity and capability of supervisition .
So my conclusion is that we should support the existence of state-owned enterprises ,for the reason is that capaitalism is responsible for primary distribution ,while the government is responsible for secondary allocation ,whether the secondary allocation can work fairly determines the degree of fairness of the country to some extent ,it also have some impact on the vigor and development potential of the country .As a consequence ,state-owned enterprises can be the most efficient tool of the secondary allocation procedures .

Answer 1

Currently, the World Bank published a report concerning about the future of China ,which draws attention to the debated issue (that) whether enterprises should be totally privatized or not .
The most popular reason to argue the state-owned enterprises is that the effeciency of it is so low that (it)may disturb the market function ,which is a typical opinion derived from classical free enterprises market economy .In terms of the competitive state-owned enterprises who are selected from the intense market if it shows the emergency of the low efficiency ,it will sooner or later die out .In addition ,efficiency will be enhanced if the welfare state-owned enterprise be carried out by the private enterprises(.)For instance ,the contrast between the medical treatment of Europe and America can explicitly tell that per capita expense in the form of private system in USA can (amount)to seven or eight thousand dollars ,which is nearly four times the number in Britain who is covered by public medical system .
Admittedly ,the disadvantage of the state-owned enterprises can not be (denied) .The reason can be said that it (discourages) the innovation of people .Obviously ,breakthrough is required to break the old pattern in order to attain more flexibility .Even so transformation and creative thinking are both eagerly demanded ,it (will) go to extremes if the private enterprise substitute the state-owned enterprises become the popular trend .Certainly ,effectiveness and efficiency of the operation can not be decided by the owner but be determined by the intensity and capability of supervisition .(supervisition应该是supervision吧。此外，这句话可不可以翻译成 Certainly, effectiveness and efficiency of the operation should be determined by the intensity and capability of supervision rather than the owner.)
So my conclusion is that we should support the existence of state-owned enterprises ,for the reason is that capaitalism（capitalism） is responsible for primary distribution ,while the government is responsible for secondary allocation ,whether the secondary allocation can work fairly determines the degree of fairness of the country(.) to(To) some extent ,it also have some impact on the vigor and development potential of the country .As a consequence ,state-owned enterprises can be the most efficient tool of the secondary allocation procedures .

呵呵，主要改的是很明显的错误。