请 雅思高手，牛人打分·指教·我四次考雅思作文失败，下面我贴了一篇 我平时掐时间练习的一篇作文

Question

题目：Traditional games are more useful thanmodern games in developing children’s skills. Do you agree or disagree?

Due to the various kinds of modern games on the store, abitter controversy has been debated among people. Some people argue that thesetraditional games more useful to children while others do not agree with it. AndI tend to support these modern games.

With the growth of technology, these modern games enable todevelop children’s intelligence. In other words, it is evident that theseadvanced toys can facilitate their brains’ activities well. For instance, thetransformer is a kind of sophisticated toys. The skills of imagination andexploration are stimulated invisibly when children enjoy the process of playingwith it. Moreover, some on-line games can exercise the kids’ ability of reflectionthat is a necessity of in the future career. Wii is a good platform to providethese marvelous games. Playing these games not only can train children’s capabilityof reflection ,also can help them keep fit, especially for those obesities.

Admittedly, traditional games, like hide and seek andhopscotch, remind us of these memories of childhood. And this module cancultivate the interpersonal skill to some degree, which is no doubt. Nevertheless,comparing to these modern games, these functions from those traditional gamesare way less. By that I mean, owing these simple skills, modern games even canprovide more advanced and efficient functions in developing children’s skill.
Through representation above, be it on function, on appearanceor on entertainment, modern games, obviously, superior to traditionalcounterparts. However , turning to the dark side of computer games, to avoidchildren getting addicted to them, with sitting in front of screen for a longtime, parents should stringently control the time of playing

Answer 1

词汇本身还可以的，但是要注意词意的偏差，不确定就尽量用普通的词汇，语法也还行，就是连接词有点匮乏，句首And很多。我不是雅思高手，不过我给这片文章最多5.5分，打5分或者更低也是合理的（我觉得我对雅思作文的评分是比较乐观的）。另外，问一下你的目标是几分？

事先说明，以下为个人观点，也许很多人不认同，需要自己选择性的、甄别的接受。

好，入正题，为什么是这个分数甚至更低。首先是审题，traditional games 和 modern games，对应捉迷藏、跳房子和PCgame是OK的，但是transformer应该不是game吧，是玩具。其次，如果我看这道题，我的出发点不是modern game可以培养advanced skills，while traditional ones may give less or lower in level，我会说modern game可以更好的开发孩子的能力，有先进的理念，开发成熟的设备，更加直观、易学、易接受的界面，更丰富的知识内容，more accessible，因为不需要聚集好多朋友才能玩，自己在家也能“训练”，compared to traditional ones，相对手段落后了。

再次，就原文里的观点做一些评价。第二段，主旨句是说能提高智力，但是个人觉得玩变形金刚和imagination和exploration好像差的有点多，如果要说的话可以说例如puzzle on ipad。还有online-game，你确定现在小朋友开始玩网络游戏了吗？还有reflection是指反应能力吗，reaction更好一些吧。另外，即使要是online game，我会说能够培养teamwork的意识，对未来的事业有帮助，reflection好像不是necessary的吧。第二段最后的wii game，第一，他不是提升智力，所以与本段主旨不同，不该在这里，可以另辟一段专门讲对身体好的（但是ms modern game在这方面不如traditional）；第二，Wii is again a divice I guess， not games。具体到某个游戏可能更好。为了扩充支持论点段落，我觉得可以加一个现代游戏可以激发孩子对technology和science的兴趣，game本身就是tech，还有一些育儿游戏是将自然知识的。

反驳段（第三段），一，没有主旨句；二儿时的回忆和useful没有任何关系；三，论据不够有力。你说traditional game没有modern game 锻炼的多、锻炼的有效，但是理由呢？没理由，知识一个空的论据是没有用的。

最后，总阶段，你的原文翻译是“综上所述，现代游戏在功能、界面、娱乐性方面要超过传统游戏”，知识当然的，但是这和原题好像不同吧，应该是modern games superior to traditional ones because of its 。。。。。。再有，dark side 不是要家长限制保护孩子，这和原题没关系，我认为应该是虽然modern game更有用，但也不要忽视traditional games的作用。