(This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a
bit in a Pink Panther movie).
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the
shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
Submitted by Rick Bell
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There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put
up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign
which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said
"The Best Restaurant on this Block."
Submitted by Jim J. Johnson
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A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks
down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the
engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he
needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins
to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is
still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and
look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the
first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to
the cinema now."
(Present continuous / just for fun)
Submitted by Jeremy Hookway
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One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of
the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and
immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy,
although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be
disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor
told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"
The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests,
placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
Submitted by Mary Cobb Neighbors
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A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
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James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none
on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might
be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there
is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke
helps highlight the contrast implied.)
Submitted by Dick Tibbetts, Macau
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This worked fine with my level 200a on up.
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor
and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot
mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it
became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the
bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That
language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the
bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird
cursed him.
Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the
refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the
parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again
the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the
door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door
and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up
the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very
frightened:
"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"
Submitted by Peggy Datz
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I think this joke is funny and so far, all of my intermediate to advanced
ESL classes have agreed with me.
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a
bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look
buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses
when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking
for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your
little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet
of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to
the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
----
I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What the heck
do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc
It is also good to review "any"
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A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at
the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the
examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all
over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.
The doctor say "Your dog is dead."
The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.
"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.
"What! $325? How's that possible?"
"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."
NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.
Submitted by Christine MacBrien (as told to her by her brother Dave in
Toronto
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The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they
began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One
student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student
said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was
correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was
very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man said "you're velcome."
Submitted by: Brian Madden
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Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a
marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffitti
written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school
called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was
terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that
he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to
correct the grammar.
Submitted by: Brian Madden
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"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had
chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs
died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
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A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged
chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the
chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to
catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a
farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the
story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his
wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.
"What do they taste like?" asked the man.
"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
Submitted by: Alastair Rice
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This one will perhaps only be good for your more advanced students.
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman
refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of
you. Get out!'
The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road
and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one
of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the
piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb
and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.
'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar
and immediately orders a drink again.
The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of
string that was in here a moment ago?'
'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
Submitted by: Catherine
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Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly
mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The
second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother
remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't
see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could
recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first
son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in
a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son
got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use
the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The
third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your
mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"
Teaching Notes: We previewed some of the vocabulary, such as limousine,
trained, delicious, and gave a printed copy of the joke to the students as
part of a reading activity. We knew they were finished when they started
chuckling. If the reference to the Bible would be inappropriate for your
class, you might adapt the joke by substituting "the classics")
Submitted by: Eve Ross
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George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very
nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took
the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, "Why the change?"
The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.
(HInt: He saw the frozen chicken.)
Submitted by Erin McCluskey
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A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to
live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she
said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell
me."
The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen
cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you
said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm
about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that
secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained
$100,000 and three eggs.
"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.
"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put
an egg in the box."
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only
three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about
himself and it warmed his soul.
"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.
"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs
in the box, I ..sold them."
Submitted by Tim Allen, Switzerland
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A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the
neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the
place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all
disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.He is very tired and would like
to have something to eat. He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a
sandwich.When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it.
He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested
was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and
try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He
gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before
he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a
look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready
then." Some things never change.
Submitted by Christine MAZEAU
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I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story.
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were
sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they
decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this
is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up
the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how
to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail
and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting
there putting on his shoes.
Submitted by Rodney A. Hoiseth - Roth Corporation
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This joke never fails to get a laugh.
A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up to the
patent officer and said, "Hey, I've got a new idea for a mouse trap."
(Draw a box on the blackboard.)
"Here's the box." (Draw a hole in the box.) "Here's the hole." (Draw a
circle in the bottom of the hole) "Here's the cheese." (Draw a line across
the hole in the box.) "Here's the blade. The mouse sticks his head in the
holeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him."
The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a
little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does
not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man,
"Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another
time." The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.
One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact same
example on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says,
"This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the
wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire
wraps around his neck and kills him."
The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse as
before. The slow witted man leaves.
One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattent
officer and says, (The exact same things)
"Here's the box. Here's the hole. (This time he draws a zig-zag line
across the hole and he does not draw a circle for the cheese.) After
completing the zig-zag line, the slow witted man proclaims, "and here's
the saw blade."
The patent officer notices the design and the fact that that ther is no
cheese. He asks the slow witted man, "Where's the cheese." "Ah-ha," says
the slow witted man.
"That's the point. The mouse sticks his head in the
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